Josh and I are still together. He says he loves me. He doesn't want to marry me, but maybe he'll get that feeling again someday. He just wants to take things slow. One step at a time. Try to build back up to what we had. I'm hurting inside. As much as I hurt, it kills me to think of how much more I probably hurt him. I'm not worth it. I don't deserve him and I don' t know why he's still with me.
I told him I wanted him to go to counseling if we're gonna stay together. The fact that he slit his wrists over me means that something really serious is wrong. No one in the entire world is worth that. I'm glad the cuts weren't deep enough to do any serious harm. I feel absolutely worthless. It does me no good when he tells me he forgives me, when he says he loves me, when he tells me I am worth it, when he says I'm beautiful. I feel like even less when he claims that I am more. I'm nothing that he thinks I am and I hate everything I have become over the years.
I say time and again that I wish someone would love me. At this moment I finally realize that I wish i would just love myself.

I feel like dying. I ruined my own life on Saturday night somewhere between 11 and 12:37.
I love my boyfriend. I need him to be in my life. I do want to marry him. So why did I find myself with another guy Saturday? I was bored and lonely so I wanted to hang out with someone, this is true. If all we did was play video games and watch the movie like I planned everything would be okay. If I learned how to say no my life would be so much better. That's the biggest problem. I didn't say no when I wanted to. I didn't want anything to happen, yet I didn't tell him that. Why? What is wrong with me? I've killed the wonderful relationship I had with the most amazing man in the world. Now I just wanna die.
If he doesn't forgive me my life is over. I'd give up because there isn't anything left to live for. All my hopes and dreams are intertwined in a life with him. He says he doesn't want to marry me anymore. What we had is gone. My only hope is that he hopes to attain something close to it again someday. If he can get through the next few days and still want to be with me I know it will last forever. He doesn't want to talk to me at all right now. I keep telling myself to hold it together.  As terrible as I feel, it's possible  that he feels worse and to me right now that is unimaginable.
I found out last night that he's still self-destructive. He slit his wrists. It kills me that I hurt him that bad. I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to do besides say that I'm sorry. I want to change. I just wish that he had've slit my throat instead of his wrists. I make my own life miserable sometimes. I wish that I wouldn't live, but suicide isn't really an option.

I'm dating someone right now. Is that the wisest choice? I'm not sure. He says he loves me. Sometimes I'm almost 100% convinced, but I'm so afraid to trust it. What is love anyway? I've claimed it so many times, but when was it ever real? He wants to buy me a ring. He wants to marry me. He thinks I'm his soul mate. I let him read my blogs and I've told him almost everything about me. ALMOST. I left out one thing. I plan to tell him some day, but not yet...

He wrote this to me a few months ago after he read this blog...

Thoughts unheard by other's ears,
your written screams brought forth my tears,
I've thought of ways, of things to say,
but words can't repair old and broken days

If they could, I'm sure you'd know,
these seeds I hold, could help you grow,
Mend your heart, your soul, your mind,
Show you love of a gentler kind

Till then I'm afraid, I hope you'll see,
there's so much potential in who you'll be,
I have only just met you, angel eyes,
Just know to you, I shall tell no lies.

"How often do you think about suicide?" he asked.
"All the time," she replied.
"When do you think these thoughts will cease?"
She said, "The day I die."

I've been going through so many different things tonight. I hate it all. I want to drop out of college and just quit life. The idea of living out the remainder of my life curled into a little ball in a padded cell actually sounds appealing. The idea of shooting myself refuses to leave me. Too bad I don't have a gun, nor the guts to do it. I would love to stab myself or slit my wrists, I just can't take the pain. Again I am a coward...The only solution is to search the internet for that one ax murderer that supposedly exists. Where are all those killers when you need them? When I openly give out my phone number and location, why haven't I at least been stalked? Is there no rest for the weary? To achieve such bliss must I take matters into my own hands? I go to bed everynight only to be disappointed upon waking in the morning for I am still breathing...Where is that one person who will take my breath away?

I've been thinking so much about suicide lately. I feel so alone. I need someone to love me. it's not even about that really, but it woul dhelp me get through if I just had someone who could care. There are so many things going on. My grandfather is sick. He's been in the hospital. They're afraid he might die. He has blockage in his heart. That's not really what causes me to fall apart.