I can't explain why, but when I think about how he cheated on me and the way he treated me when I found out I wanna commit suicide. I think about dying. Hanging myself. It hurts so bad and I feel so terrible and worthless. I'm not sure how and why my self worth got tangled up in him and how he treated me. Somehow he got a hold of all that was left of me and I thought he was the one. I gave him my heart and soul. Things aren't the same but I don't have the pieces of me I once possessed. It's gone and there's nothing left. He threw it away and I can't find it.
God, I just wanna come back to you and it seems I have nothing left to offer. I keep running back to him thinking maybe I'll find me again. How did he have everyone fooled? My grandmother, my mother, my father, my brothers. He was supposed to be the perfect man. The one I'd marry. My love, my forever, my all. Who I thought he was appears to be a lie. Yet I still can't let go.
I love him. There's so much misunderstanding between us and I find myself being bitter. I just want things to work out and for us to live together in peace. I want to marry this man, but does he wanna marry me?
Love is a strange thing yet so wonderful and truly beautiful. Josh is strange yet so wonderful and truly beautiful.

Have you ever felt so angry and frustrated you just wanted to hang yourself? I dunno maybe the fact that I'm depressed is what causes those feelings. All I know is the thought of tying something around my neck and hanging keeps playing through my mind and it seems like it would be such a relief.
Josh frustrates me. I don't even know why I'm with him again.

I can't read the poem anymore. I skim over it knowing what it holds. My past rolled up into 45 lines...it makes me sick. When I first wrote it I loved it. It was my way out. A great relief to be able to eject part of the pain. I hadn't written poetry in a while. I felt it was absolutely beautiful. Words that told everything in my favorite form of expression. Something I could share with others or hold for myself. It was any easier way to let people know what happened. Just bring out the poem and they start to understand. But I can't read it anymore. I don't want to relive "The Memories." The words no longer help me deal with the reality of what my life has become. What I am forever running from. They just remind me of the misery that followed. I want to move on. I need to become fresh and new. Something different. Something better. I want to be me again, because who I seem to be is not really who I am...

You say you're falling apart
Reached the end of the line
Just looking for your place in an ordinary life
No one calls you friend
No one even knows your name
You just want to feel loved instead of all the pain

You no longer have to say
No one's listening anyway

Come here and cry on my shoulder
I'll hold you 'till it's over
I'll rescue you tonight
Let my arms be your shelter
Your hiding place forever
I'll love you more than life

You're wearing a frown
Given up on hope
My heart is reaching out
More than you will ever know
Is your burden too much?
Is it more than you can bear?
I'll help carry the load if you're willing to share

You no longer have to say
No one's listening anyway

You have had some hard times
Had thorns placed in your side
I know about what you've been going through
Tears of pain are falling down
It hurts so bad you're crying out
You're problems won't last forever
Let me put you back together

by overflow

I found out he cheated on me a lot and the last time he cheated was like Friday.  This is why he had such a hard time letting go of his "friendship" with his ex. It hurts like hell. What happened to love? I thought he was sincere and caring. I had so many mixed feelings and slight revelations, but I still trusted him. He was just so believable. I love him still. I always will. I mean love doesn't go away with something like that. I can never stop loving him because love is forever. 

I can hardly think through this logically. I haven't been to class in a week and I have all sorts of big projects that are due. I just can't focus or concentrate. I don't want to face the world. Besides every so often I break down and cry. I can't have that happen to me in public.

I feel sick to my stomach. How can someone with such beautiful eyes be such a great liar? I could swear it was just the Thursday before the last time he cheated that he got on his knees before me...He's so emotional...so deceptive...yet so beautiful...so lovable...so amazing... I feel as though he stole my heart, squashed it, then laughed in my face.

How can so many awful things happen to one person in life? What did I do to deserve it?

I must say again I still love him. As I always will...

Last night he said, "I might give up everything for you, Mandi, but we need time to build love, time we never spent before. I do love you, but I want to start over. FROM FRIENDS and see what happens."

Does he honestly expect to go from being madly in love, planning our future, talking about our marriage, looking at rings, to simply being friends and have me be okay with it?!

I told him last night, "My mom always told me to guard my heart and I had it guarded somewhat in the beginning, but you've got my defenses down. I don't want to have to put them back up, but if things keep going this way, I'm going to have to. I love you so much, but I also have to take care of myself. I can't let this wear me down."

This morning I woke up wanting to talk to him. I can't get through to him on the phone. He has bad service on his cell phone where he is and he isn't online. I sat here pondering things from the last few days. All of a sudden, my guards are back up and to me he is simply a friend. Nothing more.

I'm sorry. I do love him with all my heart. But I love myself too. It seems no one else ever does, but I am going to treat myself right. I'm not gonna let my heart continue to break. I'll salvage what's left. As much as I want to believe he will love me some day, I'm not going to sit here pining after something that may never be.

It's over.